The big change (s)...

So I've been pretty quiet over the past few months, I know. Partly, I'm having a hard time settling into the routine of blogging regularly, I think because I can't imagine what anyone might find interesting about what I have to say. However, I've come to the conclusion recently that I don't particularly care! I am going to post stuff on this blog as a way of keeping a personal journal that I can go back and slog through when I am finding my memories a little fuzzy. And with what's going on right now, it might be kind of fun to track this journey.

To address the title of this blog post, which is appropriately labelled "The Big Change (s)"...

In late December Nate and I decided to separate. I didn't know how to talk about this publicly, let alone make any kind of announcement, because it was a very difficult decision for us to come to. Please don't misunderstand, this was not an easy choice, and neither of us are particularly happy with how this has come to pass. I want it known that I care about him very much and wish him the absolute best in his future. Ultimately, we are just moving in two totally different directions and were not finding our paths compatible. I sincerely hope to be able to be excellent friends eventually, since I really value his companionship and character. This whole situation has been painful, emotional and exhausting.

Of course, the separation necessitated both of us moving out of our townhouse, myself to a basement apartment close to where we lived previously and Nate in with a good friend of ours who happened to have an empty room.

As they tend to do, the move SUCKED! Just sayin...

This photo is Mack cutting up an onion on the butcher block...in the living room. Yeah, I wasn't as organized as I usually am...

The morning of the move, I woke up with a bit of the flu which just got worse as the day went on. And it snowed, and was windy and cold and just yuck. I just want to give another huge shout out to my sister Kathy, to my friend Lisa's husband, Brian and to Mack, Maddie, Paetonn, and Matt for all their help! Brian showed up with a truck and covered trailer that saved all my stuff from the snow and it was Brian, Maddie, Mack, Kathy, Paetonn and Matt that moved all the stuff that I couldn't when I got struck down with the chills right around our lunch break. I passed out in Mack's bed and shivered for the entire rest of the day and it still took me another WEEK to shake the remnants of the virus.

That said, its over now! All the junk is sifted through, the boxes moved, the furniture in place and its time to get organized. I'm getting settled in to my new place and its starting to look and feel a bit like home.

I have a great scrapbook studio in my apartment (I'll post photos when its set up). Its large, clean, spacious and ready to help me get my mojo back. And speaking of getting my mojo back, onto the next big change....

I quit my job. Remember my dream job of managing a large retail scrapbook store? Yep, that one. just like that, I quit. I was just so stressed all the time. Sick to my stomach with anxiety and constantly feeling on the edge. I knew it was the end as I laid in bed the night before I gave my notice, absolutely nauseous with anxiety from an email that I had received. All I could think about was my blood pressure and wondering (as I spent the better part of the night trying to talk myself out of a full on panic attack) what this must be doing to my health. No amount of discount on scrapbook stuff is worth my health. And honestly, beyond a two day retreat in November, I haven't scrapped a single page for myself in nearly a year!!  All this stress from of a job in an industry that I am so passionate about that I live and breathe the products!? Not ok. I want my hobby back!!
So, I literally went in the next morning and drafted a resignation email, hesitated only a minute, called my sister for moral support and then hit send. What a moment! I was freaked out...and terrified...and upset....and ... wait, what was that feeling bubbling to the top ... relief?? Oh yeah, I was relieved. and it only got better from there. Of course I cried. I cried when I told the girls, I cried when I told the customers. I cried at home. I cried in my office as I was packing. I cried in my car in the parking lot. It was the most emotional work related separation I've ever experienced.

But all of a sudden, I have made the conscious decision that if I'm going to make such huge changes to my life (moving, separating ..) then I may as well do everything that I need to in order to create a peaceful and happy life for myself. Kind of "go big or go home". I guess if you think about it, its easier to repaint the bathroom if you already have the vanity ripped out during a reno. No sense in putting it all back together and then deciding six months later to go back in and rip it apart again to paint.

So I'm unemployed at the moment. It is both completely terrifying and totally empowering. Everything is in my hands now, and I actually hold the power to mold my life into what I want it to be.

Its a pretty big deal.

And so if that's not enough... At the same time that I was moving, Mack found a couple girls from work who were planning to get a place locally and he joined them in their efforts. They found a townhouse in our corner of the city and set about moving in with them. This is Mack (complete with new dreadlocks) standing outside his new place on his first night living there. Bittersweet moment for mom...

So now he's moved out on his own (again) as well, living his own dream episode of "Three's company" and leaving just Snickers and myself to set up this new life. I actually had the thought that if I had more hair, I would totally do something crazy drastic with it as an outward manifestation of all this change in my life. As it is, I cant cut it much shorter, and I can't get away with some funky color when I'm hunting for work, so I'll just smile and nod and know that my hair is streaked purple in my mind :)